Yesterday, a year had gone by.
Yesterday, a year ago, I was crying myself to sleep, talking to my ceiling because... That is the direction of heaven.
Yesterday, I cried just looking out my back door.
Yesterday, I wallowed in my own sadness.

You would too, if you had a yesterday like mine.


It was the first year of no mother.
It was the first full year.
Of no, "I love you".
Of no "Who's the prettiest girl I know?"
Of anything, she and I had.


The holidays are making it even harder to deal with. Just like last year. I see all these mothers and daughters together. I see the daughters trying to push away from their mothers. I want to slap them, and tell them it is wrong.

I visited my grandfather in the hospital (8hr drive). I could not do it. I could not look at someone so... So much... Like that.

My grandfather has been in the hospital for two weeks now.
Ever experience vivid flashbacks?
I AM.

My head aches with these prefect memories of pure pain.
I was sitting in the waiting room to visit my grandfather, in those plastic chairs, that creak with each breathe you take.

I remembered when I visited my mother, and those same chairs, over 8 hours away, in a different province.

I remembered when I visited my mother, and hugging her so carefully, because she looked like she was going to break.

I remembered when I visited my mother, and how her eyes tried to light up.

Why must fate be so cruel?
I do not believe in God.
He betrayed me so many times before.

However, Fate cannot even leave my family alone for a year. Hell, six months.

My mother died November 23rd, 2008.
A year yesterday.